The Game is Afoot

It was a dark and stormy night. I was working in my laboratory, trying to solve one of the greatest riddles of our time (no, not the one about how it's possible for Microsoft to make a word processor that can bring any CPU to its knees). For those of you who didn't watch the Super Bowl commercials, allow me to explain the situation. The innocent people of Earth were watching the graceful sport of football when everyone's favorite semiconductor manufacturer, Intel, broadcasted startling news: someone had stolen one of their Pentium II processors. Who would do such a thing and why? Intel had an online poll to determine the thief. This whole thing smells of conspiracy, and I, a faithful viewer of As The Apple Turns at http://www.infoxczar.com/atat/ , am no stranger to conspiracies.

It became apparent to me that Intel was hiding something. My partner, Mulder, kept saying that "The truth is out there" and damnit, he's right! Captain Wiggin sent us out to compile a list of suspects who have the capability and motive to thieve a Pentium II. This list is so complete that not even the Death Star could destroy its tangled web of theories and make sense out of it. Well, here's an abridged version of that list (Reader's Digest bought the rights to the rest):

 


Janet Reno 

Why not? She's made it onto every other conspiracy theory 
I've had and she's right up there on my "Evil/Not Evil" list. 
One minute she's cluster-bombing cults and then she's in the
ring with Bill Gates. I have the feeling that she knows 
everything. Even if she didn't do it, she can tell us who
did. I'm going to send her a box of Chinese finger puzzles
until she talks.

 


The Spice Girls

                               And you thought Hanson was desperate. These girls see 
                                 that the end is near, and what better way to get attention 
                                  than to steal the chip (lovingly referred to as Sluggo by 
                                   admirers) and keep it hostage until Intel agrees to dump 
                                    the Bunny Suit Guys for Girl Power in the next Pentium 
                                    commercial. It would be interesting to see Baby Spice 
                                   dance to K.C. and the Sunshine Band while carrying a 
                                  minitower. But one has to wonder if the Spice Girls could 
                                   have done it. They claim that they were on MTV during 
			                              the Super Bowl, but how likely is that? Sure, they could 
                               have said that a few months ago, but who'd believe it 
                             now? Think about that, Koppel.

 


Cancer Man
 
I know what you're thinking... Cancer Man is dead so how 
could he steal the chip? Don't fall for that kind of flawed logic. 
Those of us who are paranoid enough know that death is
the most common alibi in cases like this. For example:
Napoleon Bonaparte, Howard Stern, and Cochese. In
this case Mulder agrees with me. He always pretends to
die when things get heavy. Here's another thought: Cancer
Man smokes a lot and if you remove the fans from every PII system, they will start to smoke too. Coincidence? You tell me.

 


Those Damn Dirty Apes

 																					   Those apes have been waiting for us to drop the bomb for    		
                           thirty years now so that they can take over the planet. 	       	
                             There's a chance that they see the Pentium II as a treasure 
																					   						chest of secrets. They merely need to steal a few more to get 
                              the poles melting and then they can take over. The only
                                   thing they forgot is that Charlton Heston is now in
                                   charge of the NRA. I get the feeling that he's going to
                                 take care of a few of those damn dirty apes before he has to do another sequel. Damn the Ape!

 


David Hasselhoff
 
To the uneducated observer, David may appear to be just
another innocent famous singer in the former Eastern
Bloc countries. But think about it... those Eastern Europeans
like Death Metal and David Hasselhoff? Something just
doesn't jive here. Rumors are that Hasselhoff plans to use
the PII to warm up his hot tub so he can lure a few
lifeguards over to his place. Then again, maybe he is just
an actor and the most famous pop star in former communist countries... or both?

 


The "Think Different" Snail

                                 You don't think that Apple would actually pay for a          
                                     Pentium II, do you? There are eyewitnesses at Intel 
                                    claiming to see a camouflaged snail and a "Richard 
                                   Dreyfuss looking character in ninja clothing" sneaking
                                around one of Intel's semiconductor plants. Apparently, the employees there had just started up a Smokey Robinson record and didn't really notice the two. An Intel security guard stated that "Most of the engineers around here are pretty weird so we weren't surprised by a ninja and his snail walking around. I just thought it was a change of shifts." It's security like that that has Sluggo missing.

 


What Do You Think?

I leave it up to you, the reader. Who (or what) do you think stole Sluggo during the Superbowl? Tell me at macjunkie@applewizards.net who. They can be on the list, or not. I only ask that you leave Peanut, the Woozle off of the list. The entire Woozle clan was watching the game at my place...they like the beer commercials. I'll post the final results in next month's column (and maybe on the web too).


        Mac Junkie
         macjunkie@applewizards.net
         http://applewizards.net/staff/marcmesser.html


   


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